BREAKING: US Military Seizing Control of Nordstrom

Calling his decision to invade Nordstrom “a business decision,” President Trump has ordered US troops to seize control of every Nordstrom Department Store on the mainland by Sunday.

“We have a great holiday, a super holiday, it’s really going to be the best holiday on Tuesday, and it’s Valentine’s Day. Everybody loves Valentine’s Day. Well, those brave men and women of our military will be stocking shelves in Nordstrom with Ivanka’s “Cupid Collection,” and America will buy them and love them as gifts. They make wonderful gifts. And for a limited time only, receive a certificate for a tax writeoff with any Ivanka purchase.”

The offer is void if you’re a Mexican.

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